Saturday, August 12, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
i am still high from i dont know when. the mind can and will play funny sort of things and skew the perspective so, it's hard to handle at times. i think i'm even higher than a week ago in terms of emotional. sometimes compare it to a faucet -- one that's a little rusty, leaky and about to fall apart.
JC - yes, JC. there are no words for this. Insurance wouldn't matter. A shame. Time will have her way. Almost 0130, but nope. soon. it's not a waste; just difficult. gas doesn't help either there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. it is definitely karma. there are also many angles -- it could go for a little sand paper.
Truth is tha basis for most interactions, if not all. good, bad, is judgmental and should only be considered in context. it should have no problem with this. yeah, oh kaye. there exists within reliaty a stereotype - human if you will.
Difference makes a whole.
we can only be one - at a time. the continuum of space & time is bound bound by the spirit of greavity. there is always a direction. Out, in, up, down, forward, backward, everywhere, no where, like, uh phonenet, plug in and go. connected.
teacher. a sign of truth. brains has what lacks in the heart -- only the heart can be without brains. neither can be reparated without spirit to gain of love is like none other. And love is defined. with in sound and light waves of color are keeping tiome. evolution is a law. (0707.57)
there seems strikingly similarities, yet a ositive undertone. Yet, there is little abasis for the truth of doubt automatic sensing can do what it should in both darkness and light.
procedure is of upmost importance. a common crossing will make for good judgement. a flow of the three, whom it may be referred to as G O D sets the soul aflame, the brain ecletric, and the body to time.
1. He remembered almost verbatim what i taught him. that's special. there has never been one --
2. application presents a unique opportunity to perpetuate a sense of one force.
3. a comprehensive study of degrees in difference - difference - relatial timing
4. thinking - trying to become aware
5. knowing - being very aware.
6. teaching - be aware
this fell from a oneness in unconditional resource -- an after effect to wish for. (2145.10)
after pleaqding for favors throughout the day, i would have thought we could have had a good nite's sleep with each other. yeah, oh kaye. this is a distressing matter. what can be done to change the situation? ground rules need to be applied or something that stabilizes this behavioral need.
i'm always hopeful that things will work out. even if the hope is filled with stress and uncertainty. it's bordering on forceful compliance, which cannot happen.
i guess i'd feel better about it all if there was more concerned communications. there is a minute, actually moderate compulsion to play fire with fire. hurt me, and i'll hurt you. but that type of response only snowballs. so then, what is the remedy? diminish the opportunity? yeah, oh kaye. a new approach.
i'd like to believe that once the drugs resolve, things could clear up and be done w/o the x-tra concentration. fingers are crossed. (0456)
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
what is posted here is the transcript of a 5 page paper on my history for drug rehab. after the list of places, there are different posts from different diaries that got posted purely for preservation's sake. be aware that the writing style is different in each of these examples. i like to think of it as akin to dexterity in athleetics.
That's September 22, 1987. I was in Cherokee Drug Center, checked myself in sometime in september, probably right after labor day. i'll have to go find the diaries during that time. i think i have one that takes me to getting to iowal from whereever i was (new york?). i need to know how i got to iowa for DT.
It's study hour on ward 16. I just received this journal from Dr. Tate. This is the first one that I've had that doesn't have 20 tables of convesion, a day by day outline of boxes with ruled lines and no look ahead into the coming year. No structure. hmmm. I'm surehe's going to have a look at my little black book on my last day in treatment.
I plan to use this not as a substitute so much, but as an addendum to my talks with staff and other patients; even Dr. Tate. Why whenever there's something that should be noted -- date, time, etc. Titles, profound revelations, although since that usually comes when I'm stoned, I don't want to lose that ability. Anyway, back to reality.
Today went pretty smooth. Yet I'm on restriction for not checking in at 10:30. First time, Last time! The staff this morning did their usual. 'Let's get scrubbed' with me this morning by making sure they're protected from possible contamination. It got a little carried away, but I'm over it. They finally got me in group, but thatnk God it was the last 10 mins. My friendliness with the girls was brought out, I think in hopes of finding the truth. Yea, OK. It never came out. I figure I'm holding it well.
My music is not too bad. STill would like pot to be there, but my loss of continuity ("LOC") has pretty much subsided. What a relief. It was getting heavy there for a while. I'm not sure that I can attribute that to cocainlessness (that's a new word) or not, on lithium, but wehatever, I'm glad it's not as aggressive. I still feel lost once in a while, usually at night. I'm rappin regularly and sleeping; like a baby now. That 2130 second wind still has me pretty much. Some things will never change. My weight is bouncing, more than ever - top is 169.5, and low is 162. Avg is 167. Been eating good - well, as good as I can. The food sucks, snacks are a lifesaver sometimtes, and even their cereal (lucky charmes) is getting boring. I feel like I'm putting too much milk in my system. Will talk to Dorothy soon about it. I"m not heavy with thought - the I could be. But again --
Just finished patient planning. I have an appointment with the director of Carroll’s half way house this afternoon. Just research. Larry Johnson was ok, till I mentioned the possibility of the gay program in Minneapolis
MY LIFE – A Story
Yeah, Oh Kay. I was born in Iowa City in 1956. Livewd in Mason City for the next 12 years. Went to parochial school, had one more brother and four sisters before moving to the great land of oz, Manly, Iowa on April Fools Day, 1969.
From the first day, I had trouble with most everyone I came into contact with. The hicktown farmers and the boozin red necks didn’t like the way I walked and talked except when they were horny.
I needed some escape as I got punished and shipped for hiding in the church playing the piano. I started driving my parents car by sneaking out in the middle of the night. That was my answer – get out of town. Be in control behind the wheel.
I somehow started taking other people’s cars and I was bored with my parents’ ’58 Buick. I always needed something new. After about 33 thefts I was busted and sent to an institution. I remember my parents telling the court that they couldn’t take it any more and that they gave up trying to make me a decent boy.
From October 1969 to January 1974, I was bounced from Boy’s Farm School in Durand, Il, to the Boy’s Training School in Eldora, and the Mental Health Institute in Cherokee. All kinds of things were happening. Sex, temper tantrums, running away, psycho somatic illness. I did so much of so many different medications that I swore I’d never touch any of it again.
I was released from Eldora to Marshalltown. The state had forbade me to return to Manly. Fine, I roomed with some Arab and Persian foreign students from Kuwait and Iran and quickly became one of them. I went to court and changed my name to Nehemiah Mahbuballah Mahana, when school was over I was left alone. I ended up working for the only massage parlor in town. I started go go dancing and moved around midwest frequently as my popularity skyrocketed. One of the two male dancers in the upper midwest, and, also the better of the two imho.
I hit my first gay bar in Des Moines, by auditioning as a stripper. It was all so natural even though I didn’t know it was a gay bar until after I got the job. After a few weeks, I went to San Francisco with a fuck buddy. Yeah, ok.
From that point forward, I turned into the only pig. I moved between bathhouses and bars and cities and states almost every day. I somehow landed back in Iowa for drug treatment in Cherokee in May, (Mother’s Day) 1980.
I bucked the system then and was kicked out. Got to Denver with a ride by two hospital employees going on vacation. I worked my drugs until I landed in Orlando for Basic Training in the United States Navy. Having landed in Orlando in full Army fatigues, complete with captain’s bars, on a Friday, Halloween, 1980, I had the whole weekend to demonstrate that I was the faggot of the group.
It was Boot Camp that sobered me up. I became a yeoman, like anybody could compete with me for the job. Had the sweetest job of all. We graduated on New Year’s Eve – surprise there. They let us out for the weekend and we had one big party that lasted all Friday night, all day Saturday, and finally after going to church on Sunday, we reported back for our orders. Mine had me going to PN school in Meridian, MS. After graduating with honors there, I was ordered to sub school in Groton, CT. I graduated there with honors as well and finally got orders for a boat that was in San Diego, so we flew out there after having some time off in New York. A buddy from the philipines who graduted sub school with me, travelled to New York with me and we partied like there was no tomorrow. Stayed in one of those hospice centers for Armed Forces personnel. Read: Cheap.
I ended up sleepwalking one night on board a ship and climbed into bed with one of my shipmates. That was a disaster and resulted in my being discharged from the Navy with an Other Than Honorable (Homosexuality) on my DD214.
I can barely remember getting discharged in Charleston, South Carolina, and what exactly I did immediately following my escort off the base. I think I went to a local friend’s house and pondered my situation there with this fabulous artist who was into drawing orchids. Anyway I left Charleston and got to Atlanta for a flight to Pittsburgh. Before getting discharged from the Navy, I had gone AWOL with another member of the armed forces, Oscar I think his name was. He was in the Army and had gone AWOL when he was to report to some Ft. in Georgia (Ft. Benning I think)
I then went into the City and within a couplae of months teamed up with Manny. Manny Parrish was just a strugling musician who had played with some local bands in the City, not really making himself a star by any means. After I moved into the loft at 400 W. 14th St. (the site of the old Toilet Bar), that’s when everything started to move. The sex, the drugs and disco. I always had a job because my money gave me power. It was my work that kept me sane, but at the same time was enabling me to go insane.
Much of how I perceive things come from the City. It was where I was able to be different and not be outcasted. It was where I was able to develop the type of sexual habits that played a majro role in my deterirating health. It was where I could get as high as I could and feel safe. I was able to totally lose myself and not care.
My life in the City wasn’t all bad. I did a lot of good things; e.g. volunteering work w/PWA’s, good work at clients made some good music, got to know some good people. But I’m sure the bad outweighed the good by a 3-1 margin.
My relationship with Papo sure wasn’t the healthiest thing I had going for me. Actually, it turned tumultuous rea the end.l The fighting, the drugs, his family, my possessiveness were all symptoms of two unhealthy individuals on a one way road to self destruction.
My use of drugs and alcohol becamse totally insane the last six to eight months. There weren’t two days out of a week that I didn’t pass out somewhere. Especially, the last month or so, I really pourd on the self pity and totally went crazy.
So, I’m now near the end of my treatment in Cherokee. I’m real scared. Of life, of death, of AIDS, of relationships, of work, or housing, of food – nothing new, except I can handle it.
MY DRUG ABUSE – A FABLE
My first experience in getting high was circa 1974, at the age of 198. There was this guy, Ted Christie, who was playing the guitar in this piano bar of the hotel I was staying at. He turned me on more than I care to say here, to marijuana. I fimly remember smoking a whole joint and not feeling anything. Then two more. By the time we were getting out of his van, I was so stoned that I only remember seeing colored notes flying from his fingers while they plucked the strings. I thought WOW. That was a long time ago, 819,936,000 time frmaes to be exact.
My use or abuse, of marijuana was constant throughout the rest of my life as an abuse of drugs. Actually, the only time (s) that I can remember being without was while I was in treatment in 1980 and when I was in transit. I guess this should have been listed as my drug of choice, even though cocaine truly was the drug of equal desire.
Pills and gelatins, powders and liquids, campe upon me, if you will, in 1976 when I first went to San Francisco. My first night in the bathhouse, the Barracks, was the first time I ever got fucked up. (I feel there’s a difference in high, buzzed, fucked-up and wasted) I met Pierre and got fisted and dusted, whipped and wasted not long after I arrived. I tried I think, everything he had. It didn’t matter what it was, if it was mood-altering, it had my name on it. This lasted for a while – I don’t know exactly how long – time meant nothing. From that point forward I never said no. Funny thing, tho, I was always wanting more, never being satisfied with the buzz or fucke3d-up feeling. It started as a way of being what everyone else was, only to be better at it. Drugs made me, and still do, one who already was mutli-sensory, super-multi-sensing. I mean, really.
That was where my life settled – drugs, sex and disco. Maximuym intensity ws the only way oif living. Amounts never impressed me. I never felt bigger or better than others by my pigginess. I never bragged about how much, only how big. It usually tied together though, more pills more inches. Not to be funny, this was serious business here. I do believe that my sexuial addiction enabled my chemical addiction, not the other way around.
Rather than tell you some of my periods of my memory, I would just as well let it be known that I blame my life on drugs and what I have done to get them. Who I’ve done to get them, and where I’ve gone to do them.
Some of the chemicals I’ve used are: pot, coke, base, crack, acid, quaaludes, mushrooms, dust, special K, ketamine, tuinol, placidil, BBs, cronies, christal meth, space base, champagne breakfast, and other designer drugs. Aocohol, peyote, mescaline, valium, yellows, hash, and really tere are numerous types and variances to most of these already listed. One word sums it up: pig.
Once in New York, Oct. 31, 1981, my life took a turn, still did drugs, but pretty much limited it to coke & smoke, and, of course, alcohol.l I’d turn down most everything else unless it was a special occasion – a real hairy, dark, hung, puerto rican, then anything goes. My free choice was these three, in variance – 85%95% of the time for the last 3-4 years.
Again, my life holds not too much regrettable in retrospect – they’re unimaginable. But I have lived like no other and for that I am thankful to be able to live and tell you about it.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
- Agnes Reynolds
- Alice Anderson
- Mary Rheingans
- Bike Riding
- Pennsylvania Bridge
- South Polk Place
- South Jefferson St.
- -the Carpenters
- -Chris McCoy
- -Paul Ebbers
- -Ted Bryant
- -Brian Doty
- St. Joseph School
- Father Schmitz
- Father McGuire
- Father Keating
- Sister Mary Damien
- Sister Mary Rosario
- John Lapointe
- Bruce Geller (who's son lives across the street from me now)
- Mike Burke
- Mary Vickers
- John Donnelly (who i see out at hy-vee every so often)
- John Argos (and the piano recitals in dubuque)
- Jim Herzog
- Jon Julien (who may be doing my dental work soon)
- Sister Maureen Terese (who left the order and became a state representative, Mary O'Halloran. she also worked to elect ronald reagan during a marshalltown campaign stop luncheon.
- Grant School
- basket weaving
- rug making
- Lincoln School
- North Central Community School
- April Fools Day 1969
- January 20, 1970 > durand boys farm school
- Mr. Lee
- Mr. Rosen
- John Chisolm (who's brother i regularly sucked off in the weirdest places)
- Ron Kopeke (who i hear is out now and living in texas)
- Cop (from forest city who let me suck him and his brother off many times in the trailer park behind my parents' house)
- car borrowing - joy riding w/my pet poodle, Ralph.
- Sacred Heart
- Father Carmen (milwaukee motel)
- organist for mass
- piano practice in the classrooms
- collection box thievery
- Cathy Weitzel
- 1972 corvette
- her lover chris
- pool league
- wedding to gary
- community college
- tallcorn hotel
- omid kahkesh - oh dear, he should get a whole chapter to himself
- go-go dancing - tree collier and the massage parlor - erotic eric
- hashem abdullah - another brother who traveled with me to manly for thanksgiving in 1974.
- trailor court
- bernice johnson
- kathy thompson (who i last visited in 2001 with my blue car and looked like she was aging beautifully)
- white bear lake
- after hours parties
- arline training school
- club baths
- plane trips from nyc with manny & nelson
- nelson galloway (412-422-3249?)
- zack (hottie who kept me like a bitch)
- piano lessons (off grounds)
- piano in the chapel (was ALWays in there)
- broke into the cottage parents' apt
first time - cottage 3second time - cooper hospitalWes EtheridgeMaya BlauKen Walcott
- first time - childrens' unit
- transfer to adolescent unit after tantrum
- second time - CDU (chem depend. unit)
- third time - CDU (old hospital)
- last time via new york > des moines
- left on bus to san francisco 1986 nov.
- Optimetrist - Dr. Dennis (who found me up in minneapolis homeless and took me in to be boyfriends. that ended up weird, and i spoze i could spend a lot of time talkin about all the experiences i had there, but not right now)
- first time - from marshalltown while go-go dancing, with some leader of AIM - american indian movement
- second time - in white bear lake w/friends of kathy thompson - worked at some bar, ended up leaving for ... ?
- first time - tree collier (tree's talent agency)
- renee & becky stonehocker
- second time (?) in hotel, working at blue cross/blue shield in ruan bldg, got tired of workin the temp scene, and went to the bathroom, decided to screw it all, and left, and an hour later, i was on the road hitchhiking west.
- third time - working the cab circuit; ending up fallin for some con artist from 'hawaii' and we were going to go back there - ended up in las vegas, he stole a car, and we got caught right before christmas in orange county CA. i was extradicted back, but charges were dropped. wow. that'll take some pot to get out the memories on that. i need a way of marking these so i can come back to remember them.
- lived in a shelter for a while on one trip coming back to iowa from new york, and was wanting to get into cherokee. so that's mid-spring 1986. i think.
- lived in YMCA - dont remember much about that at all either; except that there were no hotties.
- before i went to san francisco, was dancing at the gay bar and omid took me down from marshalltown. that was my coming out if you will. i knew the bartender at the tallcorn kept talkin about taking me to a place "where men danced together" and it was somewhat jilting, but only for a moment. i know i made a lot of trips between marshalltown & des moines with the 2 girls from the massage parlor
- first time - hitching from ames to des moines with everything i owned in a 10x10x10 box and a dime in my pocket, enough to make the call in des moines to tree and get the name of the place i was to go dance. where i was coming from, is storm lake i believe. and i could have ended up actually going to des moines and it would have changed the course of history. as it is, i took that last ride in iowa on I-35, only going 35 miles, when the guy was going all the way to scarsdale new york. it took a few minutes, but i decided, and asked kindly, to go along. and that story is a hair-raiser in and of itself. but back to the structure of the task at hand. i got dropped off at 72nd and lexington, and stuffed the box in some bushes behind some 65 story apartment building and headed to the nearest gay bar. if memory serves me right, i didnt have far to go. and i'm sure i got picked up and that basically started my first go-around in the city. i think i was so star-struck that most of those ventures left me numb and without memory.
- second time - boy, i need some pot before i dive into this one.
- third time - same thing here.
- Felix Goacachea (FG management) - deserves a whole chapter to himself.
- Manny Parrish - boy oh boy, this one deserves a complete separate book. but for now, lemme jus copy down what's on the sheet.
- 400 west 14th street - our loft. pictures will be posted forewith.
- Bobby Baum - manny's boyfriend who was a freak and a half. didnt like me too much, but i think that settled on his jealousy more than anything else.
- importe 12 - the first label that signed us.
- shows - this could be a really hair raising chapter. for now, just the notes on the sheet:
- Fun House - new years eve
- Red Parrot - with madonna & grandmaster flash - billboard reviewed the show, and gave us 3 paragraphs, and madonna 3 lines. it was the highlight of my career.
- ice skating rink in brooklyn - god only knows what this was
- camden nj - a show we did where i had to blow manny in the van before we went on so he would be ok
- DJ animal - god i wish i could remember him, cuz i know i got memories of him.
- studeio 54 - star wars party. the real highlight of my career.
- studio 54 - fiorucci party - fiorucci was the designer of all the costumes we had
- sweeny todd's barber shop (183 christopher street)
- maintenance strike scab
- st. mark's baths
- 12 west
- carolyn kennedy
- cock ring bar
- anvil bar
- nelson (not that nelson, but they have met)
- lance wise
- chico starr
- billy mead
- early days
- later days
- les mouches
- frank mcgurty
- carey finkelstein
- john chambers
- kitty - tom kinsey
- Papo (Luciano Velez) - deserves a whole book.
- Racli's (2 fulton street) - off the boat italian/landlord
- hotel on 48th street - again, deserves a whole chapter, or two.
- bar under papo's house - and i jus came across the number somewhere. i think i got diaries goin back to this era. should be good.
- card games afterward - mama going around the table and if you had money to gamble, she had coke to put under your nose with her special spoon - going "toot toot"
- coffee shop on 52nd
- beat up across from coffee shop (p/u from friendly's)
- first time
- gay day parade '75 (i think)
- broadway limited
- second time
- running from taking pot from tree in des moines
- cab driver
- accident prone due to cruising
- got license in record time (1 day)
- carol's speakeasy
- hotel on addison
- man's country
- new year's eve - placidil punch+
- 1300, time for some capitol lawn sex w/army boy from olwein
- navy base
- pot dealing
- transfer from boat
- barracks boys
- orchid artist (madsen)
- vacation at the baths
- first time
- from des moines snowstorm
- waiter at the hotel across the street - which was just recently destroyed.
- second time
- houseboy job
- old cutler road (coral gables)
- cuban hottie
- first time
- second time
- in by hitching from miami
- george cadenas
- "you're on my wavelength"
- guest houses
- hilton piano player
- personnelman school
- letter from commander to parents
- navy boat
- bike week
- hitched up with bikers - fucked all day and all night on the beach in their van
- shacked up in some guy's house for 3 weeks
- left for nyc?
- first time
- running from chicago boys
- took overnight train
- second time
- mardi gras
- arrived after gig in little rock
- worked at buddy's til closing
- ended up on train back to chicago w/quualude
- got off the train in carbondale, took the bus... oh wait, did i already tell that story up above under another city headline?
- dj at club i called about from new orleans thru an ad
- hitched from chicago
- stuck in kansas city (i think these are two different times - will try and pin down the years)
- flew in from MCI
- knew precious metal sculptor from chicago one-night-stand
- tubin the river
- valley national bank
- dancin to from here to eternity in club
- lived with guy who worked the 800 number i had to use back in iowa
- fbi tracking me after robbery on vnb
- knew who i was in bed with!
- taxi dispatcher
- "car wash" - disco w/fog machine
- gospel piano player (black kid from KC)
- Coates House Fire
- American Red Cross
- car towed
- middle eastern restaurant owner - bartender
- club baths (frank & ron from omaha)
- coming up from memphis; bus from carbondale il
- club baths
- gay day parade
- drove thru on cornmeet w/voxxers en route to KC
- go go dancing in straight bar
- ak-sar-ben racing w/sugar daddy from des moines
- ride from cherokee w/cooks
- DJ at bar; turned country
- piano player at same bar
- witch in purple
- kids from new orleans
- jerry lipolis
- navy enlistment
- grant street apartment
- sadji (della reese's son); drag on the strip
- les jardin bar near airport
- masseur @ jockey club, hilton & tropicana
- jail extradition from LA (accessory in auto theft w/kid from des moines > hawaii)
- hitchhiked out w/rudy & ..... ?
- hard time starting
- cold further north
- 1-80 blizzard in nebraska
- des moines > tree's > dancers
- first time
- second time
- third time
- bus out from cherokee
- u.s. mission > dave gilooley
- pac bell directory job
- laura gilardi
- king (crystal dealer/roommate)
- drugs, drugs and more drugs
- mushrooms w/cute kid (chem student)
- first time
- hollywood spa
- kid w/firebird convertible
- commuting to palm springs (dave's villa caprice)
- second time
- gay &* lesbian community center
- la cienaga apt w/greek opener for debbie reynolds
- third time
- first time
- prostitute becoming roommate
- navy try-out
- played piano and made 'em cry
- arab from morocco
- chased him to san francisco > finally fucked
- second time
- daves villa caprice
- manager affair
- worker affair (lil' blonde cutie)
- piano player at bar/restaurant
- porn star friend into solar energy
- flew out to KC
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
if yes, check here. if no, Go somewhere else.
did a bowl, and i had that one bowl left from weeks ago so you KNOW, that bowl is gonna be a doozie. and it was. i'm pleasantly high. havnt ben this way in a while. long while. but back to the idea at hand. cap placEment is crucial to the ideal. take that example the "E" was placed just because i felt like it. now, if the caps were different, say, Cap Placement, one would get the idea that it's a person's name, or, the title of something, maybe an essay on spelling.
Paragrpahs are important too. they tell you the time of thigs. usually everyhting within that paragraph generallly wouldn't.... shit i lost it. :)
i need to work on the hitchhikder in weays that i haven't done ina while. i'm watching walk with an angel. i always did like that show. I've always like della reese is the mmother for the kid i lived with out in las vegas back in the 70's. sadji was a drag queen in a show on the strip. the hotel's name, oh wait tropicana or maybe not. but ya, della reese was always a favorite of mine. and today's episode is about homelessness a subject i only know only toooo well. ive had homelessness down pat. survival was like second nature to me. never owned a car. and have lived, AND WORKED (see, the caps again) in at least 50 cities and towns in the united states. all during a 3 year period.. i gotta break. my eyes are starting to play tricks on me.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
tower 6 e 50th
god i love it
pd 15.9 --- over 30 !!!!
hunk -- to think they were offering me a job a month ago. my fuck up. good think s in good time.
i have NOOOO idea what this is about. i'm only copying down what the book says.
eikenberry & schoolman
90 wall st / 18
WP 4.2 dict.
the irish lad left - immigrationg. met dutch guy next door. kinda cute.
fell asleep while cooking
chicken & rice.
lost $10 ??
i remember falling asleep while i was cooking one time and woke up to the place almost on fire. sure burned the hell outta the pan that was on the hotplate. i wasn't even supposed to be cooking in that hotel room. but i had a refrigerator, a nice big one, and the hotplate and toaster oven was all i needed to make a decent meal.
couldnt take it
anymore - had real
billed --315-- we'll see
out to rawhide --
home w/familiar face
i think i remember link resources and the hell i had to go through to work there. that was my first taste of having to work with people who had just gotten off the boat from india.
9:30 – 7:00 – 1.5
borrowed tapes from albert
link is a trip. Milton
too much. Mark isn’t much better. Am I slowing down?
again, what the hell is that all about.
Woke up early thismorning
– saw Moola C 4:30A – did
coke, got off 3x
slept again at noon
WE WON! 20-19 great game
I have NOOO idea what game I speak of. I’m only copying down what is written in the books. I do remember meeting up with Moola, a big drag queen who was into coke, and me. That I would get off with her, must mean there was some good coke around.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
7 L (lunch)
1st bombing in iraq
albert's. - usa network
1230 6h ave. 48/49 20th
17 WP TC
did absolutely nothing.
>>> i remember walking up 8th avenue and hearing about it on the radio.
cleaned willie's house
don't know where
this is heading, but
it's the AM
cooking steak on 17th
o/n @ willie's
wish i could remember who willie was. and how i was able to take him to 17th. this is not making much sense without some explanation.
missed deadline for pyaing
o/n @ 17th
i wonder where the hell 17th is. i spent enough nights over there. the only thing i can think of is tommy's apartment. but that would entail a whole lot more of explaining than i care to divulge today. but 17th had to be a place where i could spend the night whenever i wanted. and no sex was involved. (i don't believe there was any anyway)
445 park / 7th / 57th
Pd Q 119 - 7 hrs. owe me
me 1 hr - IRS is garnishing
my check @ 10% -= total (on)
but 744. wHAT @!?@? hopefully
it's from control group
this was a classic Q-round of hitting the bars. i think i was with papo, but ya never know.
david l. schmidt
57 lexington #806
nyc 10010 - 447-7235
slept most of the day
feel bad about last nite
w/jose, not ricki.
traded watch for beeper
jose was this kid right underneath me, who was in the whore hotel (that's what we called the amsterdam hotel). ricki was a friend of the janitors. my relationship with ricki should be drawn rather nicely through these pages. he was a cute kid with a big dick. put that into a man who speaks latin like none other, my heart melts.
the best i know how
it's starting to be
real - reality.
it's not quite over yet
the salvation army
god only knows what this was about. on christmas day no less. i would have thought good things and photos would have been a nice way of putting my christmas day experience into words.
xmas shopping w/norma
and Po - never again
hell of a time getting to
tony's party. found out
he had bad experience
last wednesday when we
went out and he gave me attitude
papo & i went to movie and stanley's.
i can kinda remember this. the party out at tony's wasn't as great as i had hoped, but it was something i had to attend since i financed half of it.
out to movies - the golden child and out of bounds.
out to rawhide and
overnite at tony's.
boy i wish i could remember this. overnight with tony was one of those things that i couldnt talk about it with ANYbody.
loanded tony $200 for
his engagement party
out with tony and
marcus. took tony
to rawhide and both
to badlands - went
way out again -
home @ 2am.
i never did see the 200 back. i think my crush overhim died when he never paid me back.
moving to norma's
am very F/U - didn't
sleep last nite in
boy was i ever out of my head doing that post. i kinda remember the day it became apparant that i was going to move into norma's. norma was papo's older sister. she was married and had a bambino. milton was her husband's name, but he was a far cry my MY milton, who's last name was ramos. papo's milton was something else, and i cant remember hopefully i'll have it in one of these diary pages. anyway, the decision to move there was one of finance. i could save money by moving there. and i would have lots of puerto ricans around. but my job at S&C was starting to take a toll on me. i wonder if i'll get outta there before year end. i cant remember.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
can't handle this
papo isnt anywhere
see? i'm going through hell the hell i made over papo. i even remember writing this with the thoughts of suicide in my head. i never wrote it down, but i remember now looking back, what i had planned on doing if papo didnt show up and soon.
pictures at matar (?)
opened checking account
at Manufacturers Hanover Trust
i remember opening the account, they gave me a credit card which was a mistake. i had no intention of doing what's right and pay off the card. in fact, i went into more debt than i care to admit.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
but back to the topic of the day: papo.
PAPO was a kid i met in jersey city, er rather weehawken it was.. ya, the bar is in weehawken, charlies? stanley's it was. i'm having problems seeing things here. shit, i'm in the mood to tell a story too.
vegas appt w/papo
this was his attorney's meeting re: some charge he had before he met me. i only stayed at sullivan & cromwell, cushy sullivan & cromwell, for the morning, and placed papo ahead of S&C was a reall dumb thing to do. but there were many more of these 'days' where i would be jus stupid crazy over papo.
lemme find some pot and maybe i can sit here and go into papo here.
went to city peggy sue got married -
my guess here is that i was so livid taht i was going to just erase his name from my memomry banks. i had the ability to do this. and i stillll do to some extent. but i could completely erase all thing *. it would only bother me in that i had gaps in my timeline. .... so as i sit here with a joint in one hand, and trying to type in the other hand (care to guess which is which?) sip water and turn the pages of the diary and get it so the fan that's basically right in my face, i find it difficult to return to the idea. interrups the flow.
papo came back
i dont know
and i dont think i ever found out.
these trips i'm on when i'm without him, or knowing that i am unable to control who he sees, and what he does, got me wrecked like a school-girl-first-time-crush. serious isn't the word for it. it was more like a resounding latched on for dear life relationships. we were never formally introduced as mr & mrs, if you will.... none of our friends thought we were anything more than a trick in the night. the the type where you leave some money on the table, and wink as you head for the door. those are the types that can really get away you if your leash isnt as taught as it should be. and i'm not sayin anything about leashes... they come in fabulous colors now don't ya know. anyway, got way off topic here.... back up.
love sick -
horoscope says to
let it ride out
yeah, right. this being the 2nd time i've falling in LUV and freekd whenever he even so much as lOOK at another man... so yea. papo papo papopapo papo pooao po ao oap oap ao p pao papo papo lap papo apop papo papo papo papo papo papo papo there ya go papo. da da da DAT
again - papo (see what did i tell ya)
fred somehow got all his stuff out
fred was this guy that latched on to me in jersey, and i couldnt think of a better way of making it clear to him that i wanted him out. than to play these sissified games papo would teach me. I think i was pretty much alone in this manner. i didnt know spanish - still dont.
papo stayd out
the FIRST in many times he would do this. this was the night it was clearly a heart ripper. for some reason it was more about who he was doing it with that got me so twisted.. and gurl, lemmme tell youuu about the times he would get me bent outta shape. to the point of being downdirght criminal. I'd sure luve to sit here and talk about papo, and his name is so hard to type anyway,ya i shuld talk about paopo. over the next few pages. :)
ofer - $23K
start date is 11/3
citibank - 1/2 day
papo showed up @ 8am with rest of my clothes - drunk.
oh i remember this morning. i was pissed off cuz papo went to do my laundry YESTERDAY. anyway, it was the first a a number of fights i was totally innocent of doing anything to warrant the late clothes trip. i'll have to figure out a nice night when i can just write about papo. like i said, he could be a whole chapter. hell, he could be the whole fukin book.
at 250 park
the interview went great
i remember getting all dressed up for this interview. and i remember passing it with flying colors. continued to work at citibank for a while... i'll know when that switch came about but i continued at citibank through 10/29, after that i went to S&C fulltime employee (not temp). but there's some dirt to sift through this last week at citibank.
Friday, May 19, 2006
collected & calm
but most of all --- cool
called fred -- gave him keys
i think fred was who i liked of that threesom in jersey city walk. him and victor were a pair, until i came along. but i let fred stay with me. he didnt rip me off so that was nice. i hope i've got more entries about fred. i wouldn't mind remembering more about him.
interview w/katz @ S&C 9:30
finally paid racli in full.
this was my permanent job interview with sullivlan & cromwell. i did get hired by them, but had to get mixed up with some personal shit and got fired. all over a trik named papo. i met him and lost everything.
answering machine to racli
ahhhh, this was the time i lived on fulton street. racli was my landlord - just got off the boat from italy. heavy accent and all, she was kinda nice. had a fabulous son i luved to gawk at. anyway, i think i stayed in that apt for 6 months or more.
the tomita concert was down in battery park, and was the most fantastic thing i have ever experienced. there was laser shows and sound that couldnt be beat. it was just a fabulous experience. i wonder if there's anything about it on the net.
oh wow, there's a lot more than i thought:
brought frank mcguinty home.
frank mcguinty was a lawyer that worked for the same law firm (seargent ahearn & van heemstra) as i did and was instrumental in manny (my roommate at the time - and a whole'nother chapter's worth of tales) getting his record contract. what puzzles me is the entry for a half a gram of coke.
it turnd out ok; returning next week. pasted a clip of my horoscope entry for that day:
CANCER: keep your cool even if others panic. a deliverate manner helps you gain control of the situation. a long-term romantic involvement will work out better than you thought possible.
did i know victor THAT well??
lost hat and undlershirt - out walking to JC
met victor & fred & rich & debbie
i remember some about this event. it was a night of very heavy partying where i got into the city and got quite drunk. headed homne and somehow got sidetracked by some boy, and went to intice him to play, and somehow got arrested for disorderly conduct. got busted blowing this kid behind some cars on the parking ramp.
but the 3 i met walking around in the park on the jersey side later that afternoon on one of my marathon walks with the walkman and pot and beer (those are famous and will be spelled out over time through these entries). but these characters were just as bad as the scum i ran around with on 42nd street. they were just jersey scum who didnt have to catch a ride back to the city. i think became better friens with victor if memory serves me right.
1350 6th ave / 55th
9:30 - 5:30
o/n at carmine's
i sure wish i could remember who carmine is. the name is familiar, but i cant put a face to it. oh well. i do remember working at mgm. even if it was for only one day, i was then able to say without lying that i worked at MGM... in fact, it lasted for more than 1 day too.
pd tony $20 (60 bal)
$150 deferred at contemp
my time at sullivan & cromwell was a real trip. i'll have to delve more into it when i get some grass. the stories i could tell involving sullivan & cromwell are juicy and ripe for scandalous adjectives.
went to stanleys'got $10.50 back from
deposit from indians.
stanleys was this bar on the corner from where i lived. spent a lot of time in there. it was an irish pub, but catered to puerto ricans and cubans who were dominant in the neighborhood of the borderline betweeen jersey city & weehawken. i spent a lot of time in stanleys, spent a lot of money is what i did. but i always had a decent time there. whether it be chattin with the locals, or playing pool with the homeys. picked up a lot of meat outta that bar. goes to show ya, straight bars are really better stacked when looking for men.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
i remember going into redhook and kinda meeting his mother. i remember coming back to jersey and him spending the night. i almost could have had it when we woke up, as i saw a boner in his underwear - he wouldn't sleep nude). the thought of this is givin me a rise.
2 fulton st
movedout of manny's
what an experience
tony helped, bless his soul
all came out ok - tony spent the night
lent me $100
oh i remember this one good. had to get tony to help me move out of manny's. had to break in, and we took a cab, all the way into new jersey with all my stuff. it was a real wild time in my life. tony was the kid that i had a crush on over at ideal printing. he helpd me move to new jersey. and how did i get to know about that apt on fulton? i can't remember. i do know that i lived at the hotel a few blocks away from it. so i wasnt a stranger to the area. very rican. i think later on, i come to know a guy by the name of papo. there should be a lot of memories with that, and my guess is that as we progress into the latter part of 1986, we're gonna find some hair-standing stories to tell. so what are we waiting for?
borrowed 5.00 tom K. (kinsey? cant be)
as with all gay day activities, i take a special likening to events on account of it being my birthday an all. i always tell folx, gotta luv it when a million people march down the middle of town on my birthday.
got a bottle of chivas regal from "Fans in the bullben" > home right after awards
if i tried really hard, i could probably rememeber the names of most of the 'fans'... the bullpen was where potential associate lawyers would come during their summers to get on-the-job experience wihtout really getting credit for it. they were fresh from college, and a joy to work with, most of the time. my fans however, remained true right up until the time i couldnt work there any more. cant remember what happened. maybe as we progress through this diary, i'll get an answer to that.
Monday, April 17, 2006
275 mad / 40th
bill mcginty was a lawyer that worked for the lawfirm, sargeant ahearn & van heemstra, who had offices at 200 park avenue in the pan am building. this goes back to 1981, when i lived with manny at 400 west 14th. since i can't place the time/date when i lived with manny by diary, i'll have to make up for it in memories like this.
manny, man parrish, was a friend who was into doing music. he had a funky lil studio in his loft on 14th street, and we met at a bar down the street, the anvil. i think i met his roommate, and we just happened to make out when i came home with him. ANYway, it was a relationship that lasted even until now. of course we had our ups and downs, and he was going through some tough times when i had it good, but now the tables are reversed, he's sittin on top of the world, while i'm laboring for scraps. anyway, um, the memories. here's a shot:
sullivan & cromwell
125 broad st. 28th flr.
they HIRED me too. the beginning of a long relationship with a very very old law firm. mostly doing corporate stuff. i have some fond, and some not-so-fond memories of S&C.
SB - 58th st ofc
SB - jane
133 e 58th st.
SB is code for staff builders. a temp agency i had a long and very well established relationship with. even made the cover of their annual report.
ken chapin o/n
h 718-624-5000 x7957
can't say that i remember either one these guys. i just called that number and it belongs to sonic branding solutions. i have no idea who they are either. and this goes back WHEY back before the internet. ken duznt work there, so i guess i can scratch that off my list.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
how to say today?
played pool las nite
o/n @ office w/eduwardo
BUSTED ON THE COUCH by lenny (ideal)
no more keys
this was the day i got busted for sleeping, and in fact, fucking, eduardo in the office. lennie about had a fit. and he had every right to be mad. he fired me of course. oh well. it was a nice stint while it lasted. but don't be fooled. i ended up working at another printer up the street some, and again, got busted in the office one morning with my trick on the couch, naked. drugs everywhere. i'm sure that'll show up later in the diary. but i'll have to mark this date as the one i want to refer to as having experienced it.
37.25 IP hrs
+75 OT last week
to interpret these figures:
i worked at contemporary (a temp agency), and got paid $15 per hour for 10 hours that i worked at nyc law, making that portion of my check come out to $150. then kelly drye was worth $270 in the same manner. making my check $420 for the both spaces. i can't figure out what the IP hrs is. suffice it to say i was raking in the dough. god how i wish i could make that kinda money today. tnis was a solid 20 years ago. TWENTY YEARS ago.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
out - rawhide
100C - burned on 38th
O/N -- I (?)
this was a saturday night. over night at ideal i'll bet you any amount that's what it was. i was known to use my office for a quick, in the city, place to crash when i needed such. i had a couch in my office so it was comfortable. there was even a shower in the bathroom. so the only thing that was missing from the place being a full apartment was a kitchen. hopefully i'll be getting to the time i got caught. should be coming up in a month or so.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
i dont know what the dates of these events are, but these are the events and the chronology as i believe them to be true.
i remember flying into kansas city, from palm springs. it would have been a return trip to kansas city as i had friends there who ran the club baths to come pick me up at the airport. i had already been a victim of a fire arson at the hotel fire in 1977/78? coates house. ya, that's it. anyway, i had been in palm springs. and that was first started when i was living in los angeles and working at the hollywood spa. and commuting to palm springs in a limosine. so, we're heading back in time now. when i first started hollywood spa, it would have been as a result of my talking to this person long distance from my office as the cab dispatcher in iowa city. he worked some telecommunications thing... oh wait. that's not right. THAT guy lived in phoenix. remember? oh yea. phoenix. gah. that was what? after? palm springs? god this is where it gets real fuzzy. there's a whole slew of stops, that included las vegas, palm springs, los angeles, san diego. gah. oooh dubble gah.
Friday, April 07, 2006
hired at ideal.
this was a job that i really enjoyed doing. spending a lot of extra hours at work doing what i thought was a bang up job. i also fell for another employee... tony. as long as i could be in the same building, much less same office space, as him, i was happy.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Q. i was wondering what you have to say about a 50 y/o male with a viral load never above 400, but cd4 ranges of 100-200 over the last 5 years.--Dr. Holodniy
A. Rare, but described. It used to be referred to as "slow, low", meaning people who are infected and took a big hit early with their CD4 count, but then are stable at low counts with low viral (primarily) or undetectable viral loads. It was thought that their virus replicated at a much slower rate.
so i'm a rare breed eh.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Researchers, including a BYU scientist, believe they have found a new compound that could finally kill the HIV/AIDS virus, not just slow it down as current treatments do.--source
And, unlike the expensive, drug cocktails 25 years of research have produced for those with the deadly virus, the compound invented by Paul D. Savage of Brigham Young University appears to hunt down and kill HIV.
Although so far limited to early test tube studies, CSA-54, one of a family of compounds called Ceragenins (or CSAs), mimics the disease-fighting characteristics of anti-microbial and anti-viral agents produced naturally by a healthy human immune system.
Under a study sponsored by Ceragenix Pharmaceuticals, Savage and his colleagues developed and synthesized the compound for Vanderbilt University's School of Medicine. In his Nashville, Tenn., laboratories, Derya Unutmaz, an associate professor of Microbiology and Immunology, tested several CSAs for their ability to kill HIV.
While issuing a cautious caveat about his early results, Unutmaz acknowledged Monday that CSAs could be the breakthrough HIV/AIDS researchers have sought for so long.