January 7, 1988

2118.57 is the time of day this post was written in the little red book. i have this little red book of undated pages, so they're blank and begging ink. or were. they're pratically dormant now, and i hope to breathe a fresh aire of innocence into the story.

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It's day 4. I've made a commitment to myself to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. it started on monday. i had another 'hard to deal' situation starting in the phone room. i just wasn't getting anywhere on the phonels, no money in my pocket, real hungry, the whole bit. The didea of Spencer's position still upsets me, but not like it did that day. Here, I'm bustin my ass to keep from going in the hole and to see someone sitting, reading muscle magazines, making rent and $100 a week; woah! But now I look at it as an unmanageable. Thankk God for treatment! Anyway, I really thank God for Chris. This man has been there for me. A real genuine concern. He accepts me for the whole me, problems and all. I'm glad to have himn around. And yet, I'm not doing this for him, like I'm sure I would have in the past. There's a sepcial connection I feel with him. I find it easy to relate with him. He may not totally understand everythign the same way I do, but he understands that I can have these feelings. And that it's ok. He is a real positive re-inforcer. There are times when I feel like I'm a recurring pain in the ass. And I probably am justified. But at least the pain is healing..

N.A. is now a big part of my life. For me to say and feel this is a miracle! It wasn't only a few short weeks ago that I felt like N.A. was for everyone else. I don't know exactly that clicked to change my attitude, except that when I went on Mon. and came out of the mtg feeling good, that I finally opened up to accept that it CAN work had rpobably made me a different person. I now look forward to my meetings. And even so that it lets me out of work, I still enjoy the meetings for what they do for me.

I'm still unsure as to the direction I'm heading with my life. I've got a couple of interviews with agencies tomorrow. I'm sure that it will be about the same as what I've done in New York. Go in and knock 'em dead. I am capable, especially as it will be a changle form routine and fresh. I just hope that the little things like my teeth, my address, no bus fare, no lunch money, little in way of wardrobe changes will not stand in my way of making a splash. I'll talk with Chris about these feelings and hopefully I'll feel confident to knowck 'em dead tomorrow.

I'm also meeting with Bart on Sat. I need to go get a grip with this one. A direction. What do I want from him? Should I use him as I did Tate? Or should I use him as I do a friend or a referral romance? I saw his title is AA. I mean, ok?!

Should I get involved with his group therapy, or, I don't know. I'll bring this subsject up on Sat. I would like to get my records from Cherokee. I'm too good of a con artist for these people to not have some kind of history.

I've got to write and mail some letters. I wrote Joel a long 3 page missive, but still haven't mailed it. I don't know why. They just sit. Carrie, Mom, Christy, Frederic, Manny, Roy to start with.

I need to get a little more discipline in my life. Writing more in this book is one thing I need to do. Maybe I'll get a routine started with a half hour after N.A. will ble devoted to "Study Time." I'm glad that I got the 5 minutes before work to do the 24 hrs book. Well it's dinner time so I'm off.
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